When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
–Jack Handey
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
–Jack Handey
Essays
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
–Jack Handey
Essays
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Monday, April 28, 2008
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
–Jack Handey
Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E T E N C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
LIFE is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out & proclaiming..."WOW! WHAT A RIDE!!!"
–Jack Handey
Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E T E N C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
LIFE is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty & well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out & proclaiming..."WOW! WHAT A RIDE!!!"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Happy Friday!
Since Friday is Nutz's day of rest and sushi, there will be no fresh Morning Cup of Nutz for you. Sorry, no really, I am. But if you keep this one in the fridge overnight, it will taste just as good tomorrow... Have a good weekend!
A video for your viewing pleasure:
My cousin, Davedays, made a music video about making out with his Miley Cyrus cardboard standee...
Other fun videos:
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters Very true!
Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
.
A video for your viewing pleasure:
My cousin, Davedays, made a music video about making out with his Miley Cyrus cardboard standee...
Other fun videos:
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters Very true!
Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
.
One click, that quick!
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
–Jack Handey
Tired of doing mindless repetitive tasks in the morning? Good news my friend, there is a new keyboard shortcut that takes you directly to Your Morning Cup of Nutz, faster than you can submit a TPS report:
–Jack Handey
Tired of doing mindless repetitive tasks in the morning? Good news my friend, there is a new keyboard shortcut that takes you directly to Your Morning Cup of Nutz, faster than you can submit a TPS report:
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Going at it, right now?
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
–Jack Handey
–Jack Handey
Scientific evidence proves that, in fact, someone is going at it right now. I'm willing to bet that it is not you. But if it is you, leave a comment about it before you're done, because that would be an impressive feat.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Your Morning Pronk of Nutz?
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
–Jack Handey
An Onion News Video:
Congress Debates Merits Of The Word "pronk"
–Jack Handey
An Onion News Video:
Congress Debates Merits Of The Word "pronk"
Monday, April 21, 2008
Cricket Boy
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
–Jack Handey
–Jack Handey
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tired at work?
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
–Jack Handey
Article: Nap Your Way to the Top
Unleash the power of the siesta: Sleeping at work makes employees happier, healthier, and more productive...
Man, I wish this was the case. Sleeping at work would land me in the unemployment line. Anyway...
–Jack Handey
Article: Nap Your Way to the TopUnleash the power of the siesta: Sleeping at work makes employees happier, healthier, and more productive...
Man, I wish this was the case. Sleeping at work would land me in the unemployment line. Anyway...
Next time you caught sleeping at your desk, try telling one of these things to your boss:
- They told me at the blood bank this might happen
- This is that 15-minute power nap they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.
- Whew. Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got there just in time!
- I was not sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
- I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating towards people who practice Yoga?
- Why do you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
- The coffee machine is broken.
- Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
- and in Jesus name Amen.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Brass Monkey Balls
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
–Jack Handey
I thought this was pretty neat, and I'll have to start using the expression more often...
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a Brass Monkey".
–Jack Handey
I thought this was pretty neat, and I'll have to start using the expression more often...
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a Brass Monkey".
Thanks Boolass!
What a great idea, now I can share my wisdom (useless thoughts and trivia) without assaulting everyone's email box on a daily basis. I don't know how you can subscribe, or really what I'm doing at all, so don't bother asking. There is probably a button here somewhere...
Check back often if you want to, because I'm not sending the annoying emails anymore! Okay, well maybe once in a while if no one comes to visit... daily.
There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
~Ronald Reagan
Check back often if you want to, because I'm not sending the annoying emails anymore! Okay, well maybe once in a while if no one comes to visit... daily.
There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
~Ronald Reagan
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